new moon(暮光之城-新月英文版)-第32部分

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The　violent　desire　caught　me　off　guard　and　knocked　the　wind　out　of　me。　It　was　
the　most　forbidden　of　all　
wishes—even　when　I　only　wished　it　for　a　malicious　reason　like　this；　to　gain　
an　advantage　over　an　
enemy—because　it　was　the　most　painful。　That　future　was　lost　to　me　forever；　
had　never　really　been　within　
my　grasp。　I　scrambled　to　gain　control　of　myself　while　the　hole　in　my　chest　
ached　hollowly。　
〃What　do　you　want？〃　Jacob　demanded；　his　expression　growing　more　resentful　as　
he　watched　the　play　of　
emotion　across　my　face。　
〃I　want　to　talk　to　you；〃　I　said　in　a　weak　voice。　I　tried　to　focus；　but　I　was　
still　reeling　against　the　escape　of　
my　taboo　dream。　
〃Go　ahead；〃　he　hissed　through　his　teeth。　His　glare　was　vicious。　I'd　never　seen　
him　look　at　anyone　like　
that；　least　of　all　me。　It　hurt　with　a　surprising　intensity—a　physical　pain；　a　
stabbing　in　my　head。　
〃Alone！〃　I　hissed；　and　my　voice　was　stronger。　
He　looked　behind　him；　and　I　knew　where　his　eyes　would　go。　Every　one　of　them　
was　turned　for　Sam's　
reaction。　
Sam　nodded　once；　his　face　unperturbed。　He　made　a　brief　ment　in　an　
unfamiliar；　liquid　language—I　
could　only　be　positive　that　it　wasn't　French　or　Spanish；　but　I　guessed　that　it　
was　Quileute。　He　turned　and　
walked　into　Jacob's　house。　The　others；　Paul；　Jared；　and　Embry；　I　assumed；　
followed　him　in。　
〃Okay。〃　Jacob　seemed　a　bit　less　furious　when　the　others　were　gone。　His　face　
was　a　little　calmer；　but　also　
more　hopeless。　His　mouth　seemed　permanently　pulled　down　at　the　corners。　
I　took　a　deep　breath。　〃You　know　what　I　want　to　know。〃　
He　didn't　answer。　He　just　stared　at　me　bitterly。　
I　stared　back　and　the　silence　stretched　on。　The　pain　in　his　face　unnerved　me。　
I　felt　a　lump　beginning　to　
build　in　my　throat。　
〃Can　we　walk？〃　I　asked　while　I　could　still　speak。　
He　didn't　respond　in　any　way；　his　face　didn't　change。　
I　got　out　of　the　car；　feeling　unseen　eyes　behind　the　windows　on　me；　and　
started　walking　toward　the　trees　
to　the　north。　My　feet　squished　in　the　damp　grass　and　mud　beside　the　road；　and；　
as　that　was　the　only　
sound；　at　first　I　thought　he　wasn't　following　me。　But　when　I　glanced　around；　
he　was　right　beside　me；　his　
feet　having　somehow　found　a　less　noisy　path　than　mine。　
I　felt　better　in　the　fringe　of　trees；　where　Sam　couldn't　possibly　be　watching。　
As　we　walked；　I　struggled　for　
the　right　thing　to　say；　but　nothing　came。　I　just　got　more　and　more　angry　that　
Jacob　had　gotten　sucked　
in　that　Billy　had　allowed　this　that　Sam　was　able　to　stand　there　so　assured　
and　calm　
Jacob　suddenly　picked　up　the　pace；　striding　ahead　of　me　easily　with　his　long　
legs；　and　then　swinging　
around　to　face　me；　planting　himself　in　my　path　so　I　would　have　to　stop　too。　
I　was　distracted　by　the　overt　grace　of　his　movement。　Jacob　had　been　nearly　as　
klutzy　as　me　with　his　
never…ending　growth　spurt。　When　did　that　changed？　
But　Jacob　didn't　give　me　time　to　think　about　it。　
〃Let's　get　this　over　with；〃　he　said　in　a　hard；　husky　voice。　
I　waited。　He　knew　what　I　wanted。　
〃It's　not　what　you　think。〃　His　voice　was　abruptly　weary。　〃It's　not　what　I　
thought—I　was　way　off。〃　
〃So　what　is　it；　then？〃　
He　studied　my　face　for　a　long　moment；　speculating。　The　anger　never　pletely　
left　his　eyes。　〃I　can't　tell　
you；〃　he　finally　said。　
My　jaw　tightened；　and　I　spoke　through　my　teeth。　〃I　thought　we　were　friends。〃　
〃We　were。〃　There　was　a　slight　emphasis　on　the　past　tense。　
〃But　you　don't　need　friends　anymore；〃　I　said　sourly。　〃You　have　Sam。　Isn't　that　
nice—you've　always　
looked　up　to　him　so　much。〃　
〃I　didn't　understand　him　before。〃　
〃And　now　you've　seen　the　light。　Hallelujah。〃　
〃It　wasn't　like　I　thought　it　was。　This　isn't　Sam's　fault。　He's　helping　me　as　
much　as　he　can。〃　His　voice　
turned　brittle　and　he　looked　over　my　head；　past　me；　rage　burning　out　from　his　
eyes。　
〃He's　helping　you；〃　I　repeated　dubiously。　〃Naturally。〃　
But　Jacob　didn't　seem　to　be　listening。　He　was　taking　deep；　deliberate　breaths；　
trying　to　calm　himself。　He　
was　so　mad　that　his　hands　were　shaking。　
〃Jacob；　please；〃　I　whispered　〃Won't　you　tell　me　what　happened？　Maybe　I　can　
help。〃　
〃No　one　can　help　me　now。〃　The　words　were　a　low　moan；　his　voice　broke。　
〃What　did　he　do　to　you？〃　I　demanded；　tears　collecting　in　my　eyes。　I　reached　
out　to　him；　as　I　had　once　
before；　stepping　forward　with　my　arms　wide。　
This　time　he　cringed　away；　holding　his　hands　up　defensively。　〃Don't　touch　me；〃　
he　whispered。　
〃Is　Sam　catching？〃　I　mumbled。　The　stupid　tears　had　escaped　the　corners　of　my　
eyes。　I　wiped　them　away　
with　the　back　of　my　hand；　and　folded　my　arms　across　my　chest。　
〃Stop　blaming　Sam。〃　The　words　came　out　fast；　like　a　reflex。　His　hands　reached　
up　to　twist　around　the　
hair　that　was　no　longer　there；　and　then　fell　limply　at　his　sides。　
〃Then　who　should　I　blame？〃　I　retorted。　
He　halfway　smiled；　it　was　a　bleak；　twisted　thing。　
〃You　don't　want　to　hear　that。〃　
〃The　hell　I　don't！〃　I　snapped。　〃I　want　to　know；　and　I　want　to　know　now。〃　
〃You're　wrong；〃　he　snapped　back。　
〃Don't　you　dare　tell　me　I'm　wrong—I'm　not　the　one　who　got　brainwashed！　Tell　
me　now　whose　fault　this　
all　is；　if　it's　not　your　precious　Sam！〃　
〃You　asked　for　it；〃　he　growled　at　me；　eyes　glinting　hard。　〃If　you　want　to　
blame　someone；　why　don't　you　
point　your　finger　at　those　filthy；　reeking　bloodsuckers　that　you　love　so　
much？〃　
My　mouth　fell　open　and　my　breath　came　out　with　a　whooshing　sound。　I　was　frozen　
in　place；　stabbed　
through　with　his　double…edged　words。　The　pain　twisted　in　familiar　patterns　
through　my　body；　the　jagged　
hole　ripping　me　open　from　the　inside　out；　but　it　was　second　place；　background　
music　to　the　chaos　of　my　
thoughts。　I　couldn't　believe　that　I'd　heard　him　correctly。　There　was　no　trace　
of　indecision　in　his　face。　Only　
fury。　
My　mouth　still　hung　wide。　
〃I　told　you　that　you　didn't　want　to　hear　it；〃　he　said。　
〃I　don't　understand　who　you　mean；〃　I　whispered。　
He　raised　one　eyebrow　in　disbelief。　〃I　think　you　understand　exactly　who　I　
mean。　You're　not　going　to　
make　me　say　it；　are　you？　I　don't　like　hurting　you。〃　
〃I　don't　understand　who　you　mean；〃　I　repeated　mechanically。　
〃The　Cullens；〃　he　said　slowly；　drawing　out　the　word；　scrutinizing　my　face　as　
he　spoke　it。　〃I　saw　that—I　
can　see　in　your　eyes　what　it　does　to　you　when　I　say　their　name。〃　
I　shook　my　head　back　and　forth　in　denial；　trying　to　clear　it　at　the　same　time。　
How　did　he　know　this？　And　
how　did　it　have　anything　to　do　with　Sam's　cult？　Was　it　a　gang　of　vampire…
haters？　What　was　the　point　of　
forming　such　a　society　when　no　vampires　lived　in　Forks　anymore？　Why　would　
Jacob　start　believing　the　
stories　about　the　Cullens　now；　when　the　evidence　of　them　was　long　gone；　never　
to　return？　
It　took　me　too　long　to　e　up　with　the　correct　response。　〃Don't　tell　me　
you're　listening　to　Billy's　
superstitious　nonsense　now；〃　I　said　with　a　feeble　attempt　at　mockery。　
〃He　knows　more　than　I　gave　him　credit　for。〃　
〃Be　serious；　Jacob。〃　
He　glared　at　me；　his　eyes　critical。　
〃Superstitions　aside；〃　I　said　quickly。　〃I　still　don't　see　what　you're　accusing　
the。。。　Cullens〃—wince—〃of。　
They　left　more　than　half　a　year　ago。　How　can　you　blame　them　for　what　Sam　is　
doing　now？〃　
〃Sam　isn't　doing　anything；　Bella。　And　I　know　they're　gone。　But　sometimes　
things　are　set　in　motion；　and　
then　it's　too　late。〃　
〃What's　set　in　motion？　What's　too　late？　What　are　you　blaming　them　for？〃　
He　was　suddenly　right　in　my　face；　his　fury　glowing　in　his　eyes。　〃For　
existing；〃　he　hissed。　
I　was　surprised　and　distracted　as　the　warning　words　came　in　Edward's　voice　
again；　when　I　wasn't　even　
scared。　
〃Quiet　now；　Bella。　Don't　push　him；〃　Edward　cautioned　in　my　ear。　
Ever　since　Edward's　name　had　broken　through　the　careful　walls　I'd　buried　it　
behind；　I'd　been　unable　to　
lock　it　up　again。　It　didn't　hurt　now—not　during　the　precious　seconds　when　I　
could　hear　his　voice。　
Jacob　was　fuming　in　front　of　me；　quivering　with　anger。　
I　didn't　understand　why　the　Edward　delusion　was　unexpectedly　in　my　mind。　Jacob　
was　livid；　but　he　was　
Jacob。　There　was　no　adrenaline；　no　danger。　
〃Give　him　a　chance　to　calm　down；〃　Edward's　voice　insisted。　
I　shook　my　head　in　confusion。　〃You're　being　ridiculous；〃　I　told　them　both。　
〃Fine；〃　Jacob　answered；　breathing　deeply　again。　〃I　won't　argue　it　with　you。　It　
doesn't　matter　anyway；　the　
damage　is　done。〃　
〃What　damage？〃　
He　didn't　flinch　as　I　shouted　the　words　in　his　face。　
〃Let's　head　back。　There's　nothing　more　to　say。〃　
I　gaped。　〃There's　everything　more　to　say！　You　haven't　said　anything　yet！〃　
He　walked　past　me；　striding　back　toward　the　house。　
〃I　ran　into　Quil　today；〃　I　yelled　after　him。　
He　paused　midstep；　but　didn't　turn。　
〃You　remember　your　friend；　Quil？　Yeah；　he's　terrified。〃　
Jacob　whirled　to　face　me。　His　expression　was　pained。　〃Quil〃　was　all　he　said。　
〃He's　worried　about　you；　too。　He's　freaked　out。〃　
Jacob　stared　past　me　with　desperate　eyes。　
I　goaded　him　further。　〃He's　frightened　that　he's　next。〃　
Jacob　clutched　at　a　tree　for　support；　his　face　turning　a　strange　shade　of　
green　under　the　red…brown　
surface。　〃He　won't　be　next；〃　Jacob　muttered　to　himself。　〃He　can't　be。　It's　
over　now。　This　shouldn't　still　be　
happening。　Why？　Why？〃　His　fist　slammed　against　the　tree。　It　wasn't　a　big　tree；　
slender　and　only　a　few　
feet　taller　than　Jacob。　But　it　still　surprised　me　when　tht　trunk　gave　way　and　
snapped　off　loudly　under　his　
blows。　
Jacob　stared　at　the　sharp；　broken　point　with　shock　that　quickly　turned　to　
horror。　
〃I　have　to　get　back。〃　He　whirled　and　stalked　away　so　swiftly　that　I　had　to　jog　
to　keep　up。　
〃Back　to　Sam！〃　
〃That's　one　way　of　looking　at　it；〃　it　sounded　like　he　said。　He　was　mumbling　
and　facing　away。　
I　chased　him　back　to　the　truck。　〃Wait！〃　I　called　as　he　turned　toward　the　
house。　
He　spun　around　to　face　me；　and　I　saw　that　his　hands　were　shaking　again。　
〃Go　home；　Bella。　I　can't　hang　out　with　you　anymore。〃　
The　silly；　inconsequential　hurt　was　incredibly　potent。　The　tears　welled　up　
again。　〃Are　you　breaking　up　
with　me？〃　The　words　were　all　wrong；　but　they　were　the　best　way　I　could　think　
to　phrase　what　I　was　
asking。　After　all；　what　Jake　and　I　had　was　more　than　any　schoolyard　romance。　
Stronger。　
He　barked　out　a　bitter　laugh。　〃Hardly。　If　that　were　the　case；　I'd　say　'Let's　
stay　friends。'　I　can't　even　say　
that。〃　
〃Jacob　why？　Sam　won't　let　you　have　other　friends？　Please；　Jake。　You　
promised。　I　need　you！〃　The　
blank　emptiness　of　my　life　before—before　Jacob　brought　some　semblance　of　
reason　back　into　
it—reared　up　and　confronted　me。　Loneliness　choked　in　my　throat。　
〃I'm　sorry；　Bella；〃　Jacob　said　each　word　distinctly　in　a　cold　voice　that　
didn't　seem　to　belong　to　him。　
I　didn't　believe　that　this　was　really　what　Jacob　wanted　to　say。　It　seemed　like　
there　was　something　else　
trying　to　be　said　through　his　angry　eyes；　but　I　couldn't　understand　the　
message。　
Maybe　this　wasn't　about　Sam　at　all。　Maybe　this　had　nothing　to　do　with　the　
Cullens。　Maybe　he　was　just　
trying　to　pull　himself　out　of　a　hopeless　situation。　Maybe　I　should　let　him　do　
that；　if　that's　what　was　best　for　
him。　I　should　do　that。　It　would　be　right。　
But　I　heard　my　voice　escaping　in　a　whisper。　
〃I'm　sorry　that　I　couldn't　before　I　wish　I　could　change　how