new moon(暮光之城-新月英文版)-第34部分

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grin　that　I　knew　and　loved—it　was　a　new　grin；　one　that　was　a　bitter　mockery　
of　his　old　sincerity；　on　the　
new　face　that　belonged　to　Sam。　
That　was　a　bit　much　for　me。　
I'd　cried　myself　to　sleep　over　this　boy。　His　harsh　rejection　had　punched　a　
painful　new　hole　in　what　was　
left　of　my　chest。　He'd　left　a　new　nightmare　behind　him；　like　an　infection　in　a　
sore—the　insult　after　the　
injury。　And　now　he　was　here　in　my　room；　smirking　at　me　as　if　none　of　that　had　
passed。　Worse　than　that；　
even　though　his　arrival　had　been　noisy　and　awkward；　it　reminded　me　of　when　
Edward　used　to　sneak　in　
through　my　window　at　night；　and　the　reminder　picked　viciously　at　the　unhealed　
wounds。　
All　of　this；　coupled　with　the　fact　that　I　was　dog…tired；　did　not　put　me　in　a　
friendly　mood。　
〃Get　out！〃　I　hissed；　putting　as　much　venom　into　the　whisper　as　I　could。　
He　blinked；　his　face　going　blank　with　surprise。　
〃No；〃　he　protested。　〃I　came　to　apologize。〃　
〃I　don't　accept！〃　
I　tried　to　shove　him　back　out　the　window—after　all；　if　this　was　a　dream；　it　
wouldn't　really　hurt　him。　It　was　
useless；　though。　I　didn't　budge　him　an　inch。　I　dropped　my　hands　quickly；　and　
stepped　away　from　him。　
He　wasn't　wearing　a　shirt；　though　the　air　blowing　in　the　window　was　cold　
enough　to　make　me　shiver；　and　
it　made　me　unfortable　to　have　my　hands　on　his　bare　chest。　His　skin　was　
burning　hot；　like　his　head　
had　been　the　last　time　I'd　touched　him。　Like　he　was　still　sick　with　the　fever。　
He　didn't　look　sick。　He　looked　huge。　He　leaned　over　me；　so　big　that　he　blacked　
out　the　window；　
tongue…tied　by　my　furious　reaction。　
Suddenly；　it　was　just　more　than　I　could　handle—it　felt　as　if　all　of　my　
sleepless　nights　were　crashing　down　
on　me　en　masse。　I　was　so　brutally　tired　that　I　thought　I　might　collapse　right　
there　on　the　floor。　I　swayed　
unsteadily；　and　struggled　to　keep　my　eyes　open。　
〃Bella？〃　Jacob　whispered　anxiously。　He　caught　my　elbow　as　I　swayed　again；　and　
steered　me　back　to　the　
bed。　My　legs　gave　out　when　I　reached　the　edge；　and　I　plopped　into　a　limp　heap　
on　the　mattress。　
〃Hey；　are　you　okay？〃　Jacob　asked；　worry　creasing　his　forehead。　
I　looked　up　at　him；　the　tears　not　yet　dried　on　my　cheeks。　〃Why　in　the　world　
would　I　be　okay；　Jacob？〃　
Anguish　replaced　some　of　the　bitterness　in　his　face。　〃Right；〃　he　agreed；　and　
took　a　deep　breath。　〃Crap。　
Well　I—I'm　so　sorry；　Bella。〃　The　apology　was　sincere；　no　doubt　about　it；　
though　there　was　still　an　
angry　twist　to　his　features。　
〃Why　did　you　e　here？　I　don't　want　apologies　from　you；　Jake。〃　
〃I　know；〃　he　whispered。　〃But　I　couldn't　leave　things　the　way　I　did　this　
afternoon。　Thar　was　horrible。　I'm　
sorry。〃　
I　shook　my　head　wearily。　〃I　don't　understand　anything。〃　
〃I　know。　I　want　to　explain—〃　He　broke　off　suddenly；　his　mouth　open；　almost　
like　something　had　cut　off　
his　air。　Then　he　sucked　in　a　deep　breath。　〃But　I　can't　explain；〃　he　said；　
still　angry。　〃I　wish　I　could。〃　
I　let　my　head　fall　into　my　hands。　My　question　came　out　muffled　by　my　arm。　
〃Why？〃　
He　was　quiet　for　a　moment。　I　twisted　my　head　to　the　side—too　tired　to　hold　it　
up—to　see　his　expression。　
It　surprised　me。　His　eyes　were　squinted；　his　teeth　clenched；　his　forehead　
wrinkled　in　effort。　
〃What's　wrong？〃　I　asked。　
He　exhaled　heavily；　and　I　realized　he'd　been　holding　his　breath；　too。　〃I　can't　
do　it；〃　he　muttered；　
frustrated。　
〃Do　what？〃　
He　ignored　my　question。　〃Look；　Bella；　haven't　you　ever　had　a　secret　that　you　
couldn't　tell　anyone？〃　
He　looked　at　me　with　knowing　eyes；　and　my　thoughts　jumped　immediately　to　the　
Cullens。　I　hoped　my　
expression　didn't　look　guilty。　
〃Something　you　felt　like　you　had　to　keep　from　Charlie；　from　your　mom　？〃　he　
pressed。　〃Something　you　
won't　even　talk　about　with　me？　Not　even　now？〃　
I　felt　my　eyes　tighten。　I　didn't　answer　his　question；　though　I　knew　he　would　
take　that　as　a　confirmation。　
〃Can　you　understand　that　I　might　have　the　same　kind　of　situation？〃　He　was　
struggling　again；　seeming　to　
fight　for　the　right　words。　〃Sometimes；　loyalty　gets　in　the　way　of　what　you　
want　to　do。　Sometimes；　it's　not　
your　secret　to　tell。〃　
So；　I　couldn't　argue　with　that。　He　was　exactly　right—I　had　a　secret　that　
wasn't　mine　to　tell；　yet　a　secret　I　
felt　bound　to　protect。　A　secret　that；　suddenly；　he　seemed　to　know　all　about。　
I　still　didn't　see　how　it　applied　to　him；　or　Sam；　or　Billy。　What　was　it　to　
them；　now　that　the　Cullens　were　
gone？　
〃I　don't　know　why　you　came　here；　Jacob；　if　you　were　just　going　to　give　me　
riddles　instead　of　answers。〃　
〃I'm　sorry；〃　he　whispered。　〃This　is　so　frustrating。〃　
We　looked　at　each　other　for　a　long　moment　in　the　dark　room；　both　our　faces　
hopeless。　
〃The　part　that　kills　me；〃　he　said　abruptly；　〃is　that　you　already　know。　I　
already　told　yon　everything！〃　
〃What　are　you　talking　about？〃　
He　sucked　in　a　startled　breath；　and　then　leaned　toward　me；　his　face　shifting　
from　hopelessness　to　blazing　
intensity　in　a　second。　He　stared　fiercely　into　my　eyes；　and　his　voice　was　fast　
and　eager。　He　spoke　the　
words　right　into　my　face；　his　breath　was　as　hot　as　his　skin。　
〃I　think　I　see　a　way　to　make　this　work　out—because　you　know　this；　Bella！　I　
can't　tell　you；　but　if　you　
guessed　it！　That　would　let　me　right　off　the　hook！〃　
〃You　want　me　to　guess？　Guess　what？〃　
〃My　secret！　You　can　do　it—you　know　the　answer！〃　
I　blinked　twice；　trying　to　clear　my　head。　I　was　so　tired。　Nothing　he　said　made　
sense。　
He　took　in　my　blank　expression；　and　then　his　face　tensed　with　effort　again。　
〃Hole　on；　let　me　see　if　I　give　
you　some　help；〃　he　said。　Whatever　he　was　trying　to　do；　it　was　so　hard　he　was　
panting。　
〃Help？〃　I　asked；　trying　to　keep　up。　My　lids　wanted　to　slip　closed；　but　I　
forced　them　open。　
〃Yeah；〃　he　said；　breathing　hard。　〃Like　clues。〃　
He　took　my　face　in　his　enormous；　too…warm　hands　and　held　it　just　a　few　inches　
from　his。　He　stared　into　
my　eyes　while　he　whispered；　as　if　to　municate　something　besides　the　words　
he　spoke。　
〃Remember　the　first　day　we　met—on　the　beach　in　La　Push？〃　
〃Of　course　I　do。〃　
〃Tell　me　about　it。〃　
I　took　a　deep　breath　and　tried　to　concentrate。　〃You　asked　about　my　truck〃　
He　nodded；　urging　me　on。　
〃We　talked　about　the　Rabbit〃　
〃Keep　going。〃　
〃We　went　for　a　walk　down　the　beach〃　My　cheeks　were　growing　warm　under　his　
palms　as　I　
remembered；　but　he　wouldn't　notice；　hot　as　his　skin　was。　I'd　asked　him　to　walk　
with　me；　flirting　ineptly　
but　successfully；　in　order　to　pump　him　for　information。　
He　was　nodding；　anxious　for　more。　
My　voice　was　nearly　soundless。　〃You　told　me　scary　stories　Quileute　legends。〃　
He　closed　his　eyes　and　opened　them　again。　〃Yes。〃　The　word　was　tense；　fervent；　
like　he　was　on　the　edge　
of　something　vital。　He　spoke　slowly；　making　each　word　distinct。　〃Do　you　
remember　what　I　said？〃　
Even　in　the　dark；　he　must　be　able　to　see　the　change　in　the　color　of　my　face。　
How　could　I　ever　forget　
that？　Without　realizing　what　he　was　doing；　Jacob　had　told　me　exactly　what　I　
needed　to　know　that　
day—that　Edward　was　a　vampire。　
He　looked　at　me　with　eyes　that　knew　too　much。　〃Think　hard；〃　he　told　me。　
〃Yes；　I　remember；〃　I　breathed。　
He　inhaled　deeply；　struggling。　〃Do　you　remember　all　the　stor—〃　He　couldn't　
finish　the　question。　His　
mouth　popped　open　like　something　had　stuck　in　his　throat。　
〃All　the　stories？〃　I　asked。　
He　nodded　mutely。　
My　head　churned。　Only　one　story　really　mattered。　I　knew　he'd　begun　with　
others；　but　I　couldn't　
remember　the　inconsequential　prelude；　especially　not　while　my　brain　was　so　
clouded　with　exhaustion。　I　
started　to　shake　my　head。　
Jacob　groaned　and　jumped　off　the　bed。　He　pressed　his　fists　against　his　
forehead　and　breathed　fast　and　
angry。　〃You　know　this；　you　know　this；〃　he　muttered　to　himself。　
〃Jake？　Jake；　please；　I'm　exhausted。　I'm　no　good　at　this　right　now。　Maybe　in　
the　morning〃　
He　took　a　steadying　breath　and　nodded。　〃Maybe　it　will　e　back　to　you。　I　
guess　I　understand　why　you　
only　remember　the　one　story；〃　he　added　in　a　sarcastic；　bitter　tone。　He　plunked　
back　onto　the　mattress　
beside　me。　〃Do　you　mind　if　I　ask　you　a　question　about　that？〃　he　asked；　still　
sarcastic。　〃I've　been　dying　ro　
know。〃　
〃A　question　about　what？〃　I　asked　warily。　
〃About　the　vampire　story　I　told　you。〃　
I　stared　at　him　with　guarded　eyes；　unable　to　answer。　He　asked　his　question　
anyway。　
〃Did　you　honestly　not　know？〃　he　asked　me；　his　voice　turning　husky。　〃Was　I　the　
one　who　told　you　what　
he　was？〃　
How　did　he　know　this？　Why　did　he　decide　to　believe；　why　now？　My　teeth　clenched　
together。　I　stared　
back　at　him；　no　intention　of　speaking。　He　could　see　that。　
〃See　what　I　mean　about　loyalty？〃　he　murmured；　even　huskier　now。　〃It's　the　same　
for　me；　only　worse。　
You　can't　imagine　how　tight　I'm　bound〃　
I　didn't　like　that—didn't　like　the　way　his　eyes　closed　as　if　he　were　in　pain　
when　he　spoke　of　being　bound。　
More　than　dislike—I　realized　I　hated　it；　hated　anything　that　caused　him　pain。　
Hated　it　fiercely。　
Sam's　face　filled　my　mind。　
For　me；　this　was　all　essentially　voluntary。　I　protected　the　Cullens'　secret　
out　of　love；　unrequited；　but　true。　
For　Jacob；　it　didn't　seem　to　be　that　way。　
〃Isn't　there　any　way　for　you　to　get　free？〃　I　whispered；　touching　the　rough　
edge　at　the　back　of　his　shorn　
hair。　
His　hands　began　to　tremble；　but　he　didn't　open　his　eyes。　〃No。　I'm　in　this　for　
life。　A　life　sentence。〃　A　bleak　
laugh。　〃Longer；　maybe。〃　
〃No；　Jake；〃　I　moaned。　〃What　if　we　ran　away？　Just　you　and　me。　What　if　we　left　
home；　and　left　Sam　
behind？〃　
〃It's　not　something　I　can　run　away　from；　Bella；〃　he　whispered。　〃I　would　run　
with　you；　though；　if　I　could。〃　
His　shoulders　were　shaking　now；　too。　He　took　a　deep　breath。　〃Look；　I've　got　to　
leave。〃　
〃Why？〃　
〃For　one　thing；　you　look　like　you're　going　to　pass　out　at　any　second。　You　need　
your　sleep—I　need　you　
firing　on　all　pistons。　You're　going　to　figure　this　out；　you　have　to。〃　
〃And　why　else？〃　
He　frowned。　〃I　had　to　sneak　out—I'm　not　supposed　to　see　you。　They've　got　to　
be　wondering　where　I　
am。〃　His　mouth　twisted。　〃I　suppose　I　should　go　let　them　know。〃　
〃You　don't　have　to　tell　them　anything；〃　I　hissed。　
〃All　the　same；　I　will。〃　
The　anger　flashed　hot　inside　me。　〃I　hate　them！〃　
Jacob　looked　at　me　with　wide　eyes；　surprised。　〃No；　Bella。　Don't　hate　the　guys。　
It's　not　Sam's　or　any　of　
the　others'　faults。　I　told　you　before—it's　me。　Sam　is　actually　well；　
incredibly　cool。　Jared　and　Paul　are　
great；　too；　though　Paul　is　kind　of　And　Embry's　always　been　my　friend。　
Nothing's　changed　there—the　
only　thing　that　hasn't　changed。　I　feel　really　bad　abour　the　things　I　used　to　
think　about　Sam〃　
〃Sam　was　incredibly　cool。〃　I　glared　at　him　in　disbelief；　but　let　it　go。　
〃Then　why　aren't　you　supposed　to　see　me？〃　I　demanded。　
〃It's　not　safe；〃　he　mumbled　looking　down。　
His　words　sent　a　thrill　of　fear　through　me。　
Did　he　know　that；　too？　Nobody　knew　that　besides　me。　But　he　was　right—it　was　
the　middle　of　the　night；　
the　perfect　time　for　hunting。　Jacob　shouldn't　be　here　in　my　room。　If　someone　
came　for　me；　I　had　：o　be　
alone。　
〃If　I　thought　it　was　too　too　risky；〃　he　whispered；　〃I　wouldn't　have　e。　
But　Bella；〃　he　looked　at　me　
again；　〃I　made　you　a　promise。　I　had　no　idea　it　would　be　so　hard　to　keep；　but　
that　doesn't　mean　I'm　n