The Rainbow-虹(英文版)-第42部分

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pathetic　on　the　heavy　cold　earth。

He　gave　her　a　little　basket　of　potatoes；　and　strode　himself
to　the　other　end　of　the　line。　She　saw　him　stooping；　working
towards　her。　She　was　excited；　and　unused。　She　put　in　one　potato；
then　rearranged　it；　to　make　it　sit　nicely。　Some　of　the　sprits
were　broken；　and　she　was　afraid。　The　responsibility　excited　her
like　a　string　tying　her　up。　She　could　not　help　looking　with
dread　at　the　string　buried　under　the　heapedback　soil。　Her
father　was　working　nearer；　stooping；　working　nearer。　She　was
overe　by　her　responsibility。　She　put　potatoes　quickly　into
the　cold　earth。

He　came　near。

〃Not　so　close；〃　he　said；　stooping　over　her　potatoes；　taking
some　out　and　rearranging　the　others。　She　stood　by　with　the
painful　terrified　helplessness　of　childhood。　He　was　so　unseeing
and　confident；　she　wanted　to　do　the　thing　and　yet　she　could　not。
She　stood　by　looking　on；　her　little　blue　overall　fluttering　in
the　wind；　the　red　woollen　ends　of　her　shawl　blowing　gustily。
Then　he　went　down　the　row；　relentlessly；　turning　the　potatoes　in
with　his　sharp　spadecuts。　He　took　no　notice　of　her；　only　worked
on。　He　had　another　world　from　hers。

She　stood　helplessly　stranded　on　his　world。　He　continued　his
work。　She　knew　she　could　not　help　him。　A　little　bit　forlorn；　at
last　she　turned　away；　and　ran　down　the　garden；　away　from　him；　as
fast　as　she　could　go　away　from　him；　to　fet　him　and　his
work。

He　missed　her　presence；　her　face　in　her　red　woollen　bon；
her　blue　overall　fluttering。　She　ran　to　where　a　little　water　ran
trickling　between　grass　and　stones。　That　she　loved。

When　he　came　by　he　said　to　her：

〃You　didn't　help　me　much。〃

The　child　looked　at　him　dumbly。　Already　her　heart　was　heavy
because　of　her　own　disappointment。　Her　mouth　was　dumb　and
pathetic。　But　he　did　not　notice；　he　went　his　way。

And　she　played　on；　because　of　her　disappointment　persisting
even　the　more　in　her　play。　She　dreaded　work；　because　she　could
not　do　it　as　he　did　it。　She　was　conscious　of　the　great　breach
between　them。　She　knew　she　had　no　power。　The　grownup　power　to
work　deliberately　was　a　mystery　to　her。

He　would　smash　into　her　sensitive　child's　world
destructively。　Her　mother　was　lenient；　careless　The　children
played　about　as　they　would　all　day。　Ursula　was
thoughtlesswhy　should　she　remember　things？　If　across　the
garden　she　saw　the　hedge　had　budded；　and　if　she　wanted　these
greenypink；　tiny　buds　for　breadandcheese；　to　play　at　teaparty
with；　over　she　went　for　them。

Then　suddenly；　perhaps　the　next　day；　her　soul　would　almost
start　out　of　her　body　as　her　father　turned　on　her；　shouting：

〃Who's　been　tramplin'　an'　dancin'　across　where　I've　just
sowed　seed？　I　know　it's　you；　nuisance！　Can　you　find　nowhere　else
to　walk；　but　just　over　my　seed　beds？　But　it's　like　you；　that
isno　heed　but　to　follow　your　own　greedy　nose。〃

It　had　shocked　him　in　his　intent　world　to　see　the　zigzagging
lines　of　deep　little　footprints　across　his　work。　The　child　was
infinitely　more　shocked。　Her　vulnerable　little　soul　was　flayed
and　trampled。　Why　were　the　footprints　there？　She　had　not
wanted　to　make　them。　She　stood　dazzled　with　pain　and　shame　and
unreality。

Her　soul；　her　consciousness　seemed　to　die　away。　She　became
shut　off　and　senseless；　a　little　fixed　creature　whose　soul　had
gone　hard　and　unresponsive。　The　sense　of　her　own　unreality
hardened　her　like　a　frost。　She　cared　no　longer。

And　the　sight　of　her　face；　shut　and　superior　with
selfasserting　indifference；　made　a　flame　of　rage　go　over　him。
He　wanted　to　break　her。

〃I'll　break　your　obstinate　little　face；〃　he　said；　through
shut　teeth；　lifting　his　hand。

The　child　did　not　alter　in　the　least。　The　look　of
indifference；　plete　glancing　indifference；　as　if　nothing　but
herself　existed　to　her；　remained　fixed。

Yet　far　away　in　her；　the　sobs　were　tearing　her　soul。　And　when
he　had　gone；　she　would　go　and　creep　under　the　parlour　sofa；　and
lie　clinched　in　the　silent；　hidden　misery　of　childhood。

When　she　crawled　out；　after　an　hour　or　so；　she　went　rather
stiffly　to　play。　She　willed　to　fet。　She　cut　off　her　childish
soul　from　memory；　so　that　the　pain；　and　the　insult　should　not　be
real。　She　asserted　herself　only。　There　was　not　nothing　in　the
world　but　her　own　self。　So　very　soon；　she　came　to　believe　in　the
outward　malevolence　that　was　against　her。　And　very　early；　she
learned　that　even　her　adored　father　was　part　of　this
malevolence。　And　very　early　she　learned　to　harden　her　soul　in
resistance　and　denial　of　all　that　was　outside　her；　harden
herself　upon　her　own　being。

She　never　felt　sorry　for　what　she　had　done；　she　never　fave
those　who　had　made　her　guilty。　If　he　had　said　to　her；　〃Why；
Ursula；　did　you　trample　my　carefullymade　bed？〃　that　would　have
hurt　her　to　the　quick；　and　she　would　have　done　anything　for　him。
But　she　was　always　tormented　by　the　unreality　of　outside　things。
The　earth　was　to　walk　on。　Why　must　she　avoid　a　certain　patch；
just　because　it　was　called　a　seedbed？　It　was　the　earth　to　walk
on。　This　was　her　instinctive　assumption。　And　when　he　bullied
her；　she　became　hard；　cut　herself　off　from　all　connection；　lived
in　the　little　separate　world　of　her　own　violent　will。

As　she　grew　older；　five；　six；　seven；　the　connection　between
her　and　her　father　was　even　stronger。　Yet　it　was　always
straining　to　break。　She　was　always　relapsing　on　her　own　violent
will　into　her　own　separate　world　of　herself。　This　made　him　grind
his　teeth　with　bitterness；　for　he　still　wanted　her。　But　she
could　harden　herself　into　her　own　self's　universe；
impregnable。

He　was　very　fond　of　swimming；　and　in　warm　weather　would　take
her　down　to　the　canal；　to　a　silent　place；　or　to　a　big　pond　or
reservoir；　to　bathe。　He　would　take　her　on　his　back　as　he　went
swimming；　and　she　clung　close；　feeling　his　strong　movement　under
her；　so　strong；　as　if　it　would　uphold　all　the　world。　Then　he
taught　her　to　swim。

She　was　a　fearless　little　thing；　when　he　dared　her。　And　he
had　a　curious　craving　to　frighten　her；　to　see　what　she　would　do
with　him。　He　said；　would　she　ride　on　his　back　whilst　he　jumped
off　the　canal　bridge　down　into　the　water　beneath。

She　would。　He　loved　to　feel　the　naked　child　clinging　on　to
his　shoulders。　There　was　a　curious　fight　between　their　two
wills。　He　mounted　the　parapet　of　the　canal　bridge。　The　water　was
a　long　way　down。　But　the　child　had　a　deliberate　will　set　upon
his。　She　held　herself　fixed　to　him。

He　leapt；　and　down　they　went。　The　crash　of　the　water　as　they
went　under　struck　through　the　child's　small　body；　with　a　sort　of
unconsciousness。　But　she　remained　fixed。　And　when　they　came　up
again；　and　when　they　went　to　the　bank；　and　when　they　sat　on　the
grass　side　by　side；　he　laughed；　and　said　it　was　fine。　And　the
darkdilated　eyes　of　the　child　looked　at　him　wonderingly；
darkly；　wondering　from　the　shock；　yet　reserved　and　unfathomable；
so　he　laughed　almost　with　a　sob。

In　a　moment　she　was　clinging　safely　on　his　back　again；　and　he
was　swimming　in　deep　water。　She　was　used　to　his　nakedness；　and
to　her　mother's　nakedness；　ever　since　she　was　born。　They　were
clinging　to　each　other；　and　making　up　to　each　other　for　the
strange　blow　that　had　been　struck　at　them。　Yet　still；　on　other
days；　he　would　leap　again　with　her　from　the　bridge；　daringly；
almost　wickedly。　Till　at　length；　as　he　leapt；　once；　she　dropped
forward　on　to　his　head；　and　nearly　broke　his　neck；　so　that　they
fell　into　the　water　in　a　heap；　and　fought　for　a　few　moments　with
death。　He　saved　her；　and　sat　on　the　bank；　quivering。　But　his
eyes　were　full　of　the　blackness　of　death。　It　was　as　if　death　had
cut　between　their　two　lives；　and　separated　them。

Still　they　were　not　separate。　There　was　this　curious　taunting
intimacy　between　them。　When　the　fair　came；　she　wanted　to　go　in
the　swingboats。　He　took　her；　and；　standing　up　in　the　boat；
holding　on　to　the　irons；　began　to　drive　higher；　perilously
higher。　The　child　clung　fast　on　her　seat。

〃Do　you　want　to　go　any　higher？〃　he　said　to　her；　and　she
laughed　with　her　mouth；　her　eyes　wide　and　dilated。　They　were
rushing　through　the　air。

〃Yes；〃　she　said；　feeling　as　if　she　would　turn　into　vapour；
lose　hold　of　everything；　and　melt　away。　The　boat　swung　far　up；
then　down　like　a　stone；　only　to　be　caught　sickeningly　up
again。

〃Any　higher？〃　he　called；　looking　at　her　over　his　shoulder；
his　face　evil　and　beautiful　to　her。

She　laughed　with　white　lips。

He　sent　the　swingboat　sweeping　through　the　air　in　a　great
semicircle；　till　it　jerked　and　swayed　at　the　high　horizontal。
The　child　clung　on；　pale；　her　eyes　fixed　on　him。　People　below
were　calling。　The　jerk　at　the　top　had　almost　shaken　them　both
out。　He　had　done　what　he　couldand　he　was　attracting
censure。　He　sat　down；　and　let　the　swingboat　swing　itself
out。

People　in　the　crowd　cried　shame　on　him　as　he　came　out　of　the
swingboat。　He　laughed。　The　child　clung　to　his　hand；　pale　and
mute。　In　a　while　she　was　violently　sick。　He　gave　her　lemonade；
and　she　gulped　a　little。

〃Don't　tell　your　mother　you've　been　sick；〃　he　said。　There　was
no　need　to　ask　that。　When　she　got　home；　the　child　crept　away
under　the　parlour　sofa；　like　a　sick　little　animal；　and　was　a
long　time　before　she　crawled　out。

But　Anna　got　to　know　of　this　escapade；　and　was　passionately
angry　and　contemptuous　of　him。　His　goldenbrown　eyes　glittered；
he　had　a　strange；　cruel　little　smile。　And　as　the　child　watched
him；　for　the　first　time　in　her　life　a　disillusion　came　over　her；
something　cold　and　isolating。　She　went　over　to　her　mother。　Her
soul　was　dead　towards　him。　It　made　her　sick。

Still　she　fot　and　continued　to　love　him；　but　ever　more
coldly。　He　was　at　this　time；　when　he　was　about　twentyeight
years　old；　strange　and　violent　in　his　being；　sensual。　He
acquired　some　power　over　Anna；　over　everybody　he　came　into
contact　with。

After　a　long　bout　of　hostility；　Anna　at　last　closed　with　him。
She　had　now　four　children；　all　girls。　For　seven　years　she　had
been　absorbed　in　wifehood　and　motherhood。　For　years　he　had　gone
on　beside　her；　never　really　encroaching　upon　her。　Then　gradually
another　self　seemed　to　assert　its　being　within　him。　He　was　still
silent　and　separate。　But　she　could　feel　him　all　the　while　ing
near　upon　her；　as　if　his　breast　and　his　body　were　threatening
her；　and　he　was　always　ing　closer。　Gradually　he　became
indifferent　of　responsibility。　He　would　do　what　pleased　him；　and
no　more。

He　began　to　go　away　from　home。　He　went　to　Nottingham　on
Saturdays；　always　alone；　to　the　football　match　and　to　the
musichall；　and　all　the　time　he　was　watching；　in　readiness。　He
never　cared　to　drink。　But　with　his　hard；　goldenbrown　eyes；　so
keen　seeing　with　their　tiny　black　pupils；　he　watched　all　the
people；　everything　that　happened；　and　he　waited。

In　the　Empire　one　evening　he　sat　next　to　two　girls。　He　was
aware　of　the　one　beside　him。　She　was　rather　small；　mon；　with
a　fresh　plexion　and　an　upper　lip　that　lifted　from　her　teeth；
so　that；　when　she　was　not　conscious；　her　mouth　was　slightly　open
and　her　lips　pressed　outwards　in　a　kind　of　blind　appeal。　She　was
strongly　aware　of　the　man　next　to　her；　so　that　all　her　body　was
still；　very　still。　Her　face　watched　the　stage。　Her　arms　went
down　into　her　lap；　very　selfconscious　and　still。

A　gleam　lit　up　in　him：　sho