The Rainbow-虹(英文版)-第64部分

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Then　one　day；　when　she　was　alone；　the　mistress　came　near　to
her；　and　touching　her　cheek　with　her　fingers；　said　with　some
difficulty。

〃Would　you　like　to　e　to　tea　with　me　on　Saturday；
Ursula？〃

The　girl　flushed　all　gratitude。

〃We'll　go　to　a　lovely　little　bungalow　on　the　Soar；　shall　we？
I　stay　the　weekends　there　sometimes。〃

Ursula　was　beside　herself。　She　could　not　endure　till　the
Saturday　came；　her　thoughts　burned　up　like　a　fire。　If　only　it
were　Saturday；　if　only　it　were　Saturday。

Then　Saturday　came；　and　she　set　out。　Miss　Inger　met　her　in
Sawley；　and　they　walked　about　three　miles　to　the　bungalow。　It
was　a　moist；　warm　cloudy　day。

The　bungalow　was　a　tiny；　tworoomed　shanty　set　on　a　steep
bank。　Everything　in　it　was　exquisite。　In　delicious　privacy；　the
two　girls　made　tea；　and　then　they　talked。　Ursula　need　not　be
home　till　about　ten　o'clock。

The　talk　was　led；　by　a　kind　of　spell；　to　love。　Miss　Inger　was
telling　Ursula　of　a　friend；　how　she　had　died　in　childbirth；　and
what　she　had　suffered；　then　she　told　of　a　prostitute；　and　of
some　of　her　experiences　with　men。

As　they　talked　thus；　on　the　little　verandah　of　the　bungalow；
the　night　fell；　there　was　a　little　warm　rain。

〃It　is　really　stifling；〃　said　Miss　Inger。

They　watched　a　train；　whose　lights　were　pale　in　the　lingering
twilight；　rushing　across　the　distance。

〃It　will　thunder；〃　said　Ursula。

The　electric　suspense　continued；　the　darkness　sank；　they　were
eclipsed。

〃I　think　I　shall　go　and　bathe；〃　said　Miss　Inger；　out　of　the
cloudblack　darkness。

〃At　night？〃　said　Ursula。

〃It　is　best　at　night。　Will　you　e？〃

〃I　should　like　to。〃

〃It　is　quite　safethe　grounds　are　private。　We　had
better　undress　in　the　bungalow；　for　fear　of　the　rain；　then　run
down。〃

Shyly；　stiffly；　Ursula　went　into　the　bungalow；　and　began　to
remove　her　clothes。　The　lamp　was　turned　low；　she　stood　in　the
shadow。　By　another　chair　Winifred　Inger　was　undressing。

Soon　the　naked；　shadowy　figure　of　the　elder　girl　came　to　the
younger。

〃Are　you　ready？〃　she　said。

〃One　moment。〃

Ursula　could　hardly　speak。　The　other　naked　woman　stood　by；
stood　near；　silent。　Ursula　was　ready。

They　ventured　out　into　the　darkness；　feeling　the　soft　air　of
night　upon　their　skins。

〃I　can't　see　the　path；〃　said　Ursula。

〃It　is　here；〃　said　the　voice；　and　the　wavering；　pallid　figure
was　beside　her；　a　hand　grasping　her　arm。　And　the　elder　held　the
younger　close　against　her；　close；　as　they　went　down；　and　by　the
side　of　the　water；　she　put　her　arms　round　her；　and　kissed　her。
And　she　lifted　her　in　her　arms；　close；　saying；　softly：

〃I　shall　carry　you　into　the　water。〃

＇Ursula　lay　still　in　her　mistress's　arms；　her　forehead　against　the
beloved；　maddening　breast。

〃I　shall　put　you　in；〃　said　Winifred。

But　Ursula　twined　her　body　about　her　mistress。＇

After　awhile　the　rain　came　down　on　their　flushed；　hot　limbs；
startling；　delicious。　A　sudden；　icecold　shower　burst　in　a　great
weight　upon　them。　They　stood　up　to　it　with　pleasure。　Ursula
received　the　stream　of　it　upon　her　breasts　and　her　limbs。　It
made　her　cold；　and　a　deep；　bottomless　silence　welled　up　in　her；
as　if　bottomless　darkness　were　returning　upon　her。

So　the　heat　vanished　away；　she　was　chilled；　as　if　from　a
waking　up。　She　ran　indoors；　a　chill；　nonexistent　thing；　wanting
to　get　away。　She　wanted　the　light；　the　presence　of　other　people；
the　external　connection　with　the　many。　Above　all　she　wanted　to
lose　herself　among　natural　surroundings。

She　took　her　leave　of　her　mistress　and　returned　home。　She　was
glad　to　be　on　the　station　with　a　crowd　of　Saturdaynight　people；
glad　to　sit　in　the　lighted；　crowded　railway　carriage。　Only　she
did　not　want　to　meet　anybody　she　knew。　She　did　not　want　to　talk。
She　was　alone；　immune。

All　this　stir　and　seethe　of　lights　and　people　was　but　the
rim；　the　shores　of　a　great　inner　darkness　and　void。　She　wanted
very　much　to　be　on　the　seething；　partially　illuminated　shore；
for　within　her　was　the　void　reality　of　dark　space。

For　a　time　Miss　Inger；　her　mistress；　was　gone；　she　was　only　a
dark　void；　and　Ursula　was　free　as　a　shade　walking　in　an
underworld　of　extinction；　of　oblivion。　Ursula　was　glad；　with　a
kind　of　motionless；　lifeless　gladness；　that　her　mistress　was
extinct；　gone　out　of　her。

In　the　morning；　however；　the　love　was　there　again；　burning；
burning。　She　remembered　yesterday；　and　she　wanted　more；　always
more。　She　wanted　to　be　with　her　mistress。　All　separation　from
her　mistress　was　a　restriction　from　living。　Why　could　she　not　go
to　her　today；　today？　Why　must　she　pace　about　revoked　at
Cossethay　whilst　her　mistress　was　elsewhere？　She　sat　down　and
wrote　a　burning；　passionate　loveletter：　she　could　not　help
it。

The　two　women　became　intimate。　Their　lives　seemed　suddenly　to
fuse　into　one；　inseparable。　Ursula　went　to　Winifred's　lodging；
she　spent　there　her　only　living　hours。　Winifred　was　very　fond　of
water；of　swimming；　of　rowing。　She　belonged　to　various
athletic　clubs。　Many　delicious　afternoons　the　two　girls　spent　in
a　light　boat　on　the　river；　Winifred　always　rowing。　Indeed；
Winifred　seemed　to　delight　in　having　Ursula　in　her　charge；　in
giving　things　to　the　girl；　in　filling　and　enrichening　her
life。

So　that　Ursula　developed　rapidly　during　the　few　months　of　her
intimacy　with　her　mistress。　Winifred　had　had　a　scientific
education。　She　had　known　many　clever　people。　She　wanted　to　bring
Ursula　to　her　own　position　of　thought。

They　took　religion　and　rid　it　of　its　dogmas；　its　falsehoods。
Winifred　humanized　it　all。　Gradually　it　dawned　upon　Ursula　that
all　the　religion　she　knew　was　but　a　particular　clothing　to　a
human　aspiration。　The　aspiration　was　the　real　thing；the
clothing　was　a　matter　almost　of　national　taste　or　need。　The
Greeks　had　a　naked　Apollo；　the　Christians　a　whiterobed　Christ；
the　Buddhists　a　royal　prince；　the　Egyptians　their　Osiris。
Religions　were　local　and　religion　was　universal。　Christianity
was　a　local　branch。　There　was　as　yet　no　assimilation　of　local
religions　into　universal　religion。

In　religion　there　were　the　two　great　motives　of　fear　and
love。　The　motive　of　fear　was　as　great　as　the　motive　of　love。
Christianity　accepted　crucifixion　to　escape　from　fear；　〃Do　your
worst　to　me；　that　I　may　have　no　more　fear　of　the　worst。〃　But
that　which　was　feared　was　not　necessarily　all　evil；　and　that
which　was　loved　not　necessarily　all　good。　Fear　shall　bee
reverence；　and　reverence　is　submission　in　identification；　love
shall　bee　triumph；　and　triumph　is　delight　in
identification。

So　much　she　talked　of　religion；　getting　the　gist　of　many
writings。　In　philosophy　she　was　brought　to　the　conclusion　that
the　human　desire　is　the　criterion　of　all　truth　and　all　good。
Truth　does　not　lie　beyond　humanity；　but　is　one　of　the　products
of　the　human　mind　and　feeling。　There　is　really　nothing　to　fear。
The　motive　of　fear　in　religion　is　base；　and　must　be　left　to　the
ancient　worshippers　of　power；　worship　of　Moloch。

We　do　not　worship　power；　in　our　enlightened　souls。　Power　is
degenerated　to　money　and　Napoleonic　stupidity。

Ursula　could　not　help　dreaming　of　Moloch。　Her　God　was　not
mild　and　gentle；　neither　Lamb　nor　Dove。　He　was　the　lion　and　the
eagle。　Not　because　the　lion　and　the　eagle　had　power；　but　because
they　were　proud　and　strong；　they　were　themselves；　they　were　not
passive　subjects　of　some　shepherd；　or　pets　of　some　loving　woman；
or　sacrifices　of　some　priest。　She　was　weary　to　death　of　mild；
passive　lambs　and　monotonous　doves。　If　the　lamb　might　lie　down
with　the　lion；　it　would　be　a　great　honour　to　the　lamb；　but　the
lion's　powerful　heart　would　suffer　no　diminishing。　She　loved　the
dignity　and　selfpossession　of　lions。

She　did　not　see　how　lambs　could　love。　Lambs　could　only　be
loved。　They　could　only　be　afraid；　and　tremblingly　submit　to
fear；　and　bee　sacrificial；　or　they　could　submit　to　love；　and
bee　beloveds。　In　both　they　were　passive。　Raging；　destructive
lovers；　seeking　the　moment　when　fear　is　greatest；　and　triumph　is
greatest；　the　fear　not　greater　than　the　triumph；　the　triumph　not
greater　than　the　fear；　these　were　no　lambs　nor　doves。　She
stretched　her　own　limbs　like　a　lion　or　a　wild　horse；　her　heart
was　relentless　in　its　desires。　It　would　suffer　a　thousand
deaths；　but　it　would　still　be　a　lion's　heart　when　it　rose　from
death；　a　fiercer　lion　she　would　be；　a　surer；　knowing　herself
different　from　and　separate　from　the　great；　conflicting　universe
that　was　not　herself。

Winifred　Inger　was　also　interested　in　the　Women's
Movement。

〃The　men　will　do　no　more；they　have　lost　the　capacity
for　doing；〃　said　the　elder　girl。　〃They　fuss　and　talk；　but　they
are　really　inane。　They　make　everything　fit　into　an　old；　inert
idea。　Love　is　a　dead　idea　to　them。　They　don't　e　to　one　and
love　one；　they　e　to　an　idea；　and　they　say　'You　are　my　idea；'
so　they　embrace　themselves。　As　if　I　were　any　man's　idea！　As　if　I
exist　because　a　man　has　an　idea　of　me！　As　if　I　will　be　betrayed
by　him；　lend　him　my　body　as　an　instrument　for　his　idea；　to　be　a
mere　apparatus　of　his　dead　theory。　But　they　are　too　fussy　to　be
able　to　act；　they　are　all　impotent；　they　can't　take　a
woman。　They　e　to　their　own　idea　every　time；　and　take　that。
They　are　like　serpents　trying　to　swallow　themselves　because　they
are　hungry。〃

Ursula　was　introduced　by　her　friend　to　various　women　and　men；
educated；　unsatisfied　people；　who　still　moved　within　the　smug
provincial　society　as　if　they　were　nearly　as　tame　as　their
outward　behaviour　showed；　but　who　were　inwardly　raging　and
mad。

It　was　a　strange　world　the　girl　was　swept　into；　like　a　chaos；
like　the　end　of　the　world。　She　was　too　young　to　understand　it
all。　Yet　the　inoculation　passed　into　her；　through　her　love　for
her　mistress。

The　examination　came；　and　then　school　was　over。　It　was　the
long　vacation。　Winifred　Inger　went　away　to　London。　Ursula　was
left　alone　in　Cossethay。　A　terrible；　outcast；　almost　poisonous
despair　possessed　her。　It　was　no　use　doing　anything；　or　being
anything。　She　had　no　connection　with　other　people。　Her　lot　was
isolated　and　deadly。　There　was　nothing　for　her　anywhere；　but
this　black　disintegration。　Yet；　within　all　the　great　attack　of
disintegration　upon　her；　she　remained　herself。　It　was　the
terrible　core　of　all　her　suffering；　that　she　was　always　herself。
Never　could　she　escape　that：　she　could　not　put　off　being
herself。

She　still　adhered　to　Winifred　Inger。　But　a　sort　of　nausea　was
ing　over　her。　She　loved　her　mistress。　But　a　heavy；　clogged
sense　of　deadness　began　to　gather　upon　her；　from　the　other
woman's　contact。　And　sometimes　she　thought　Winifred　was　ugly；
clayey。　Her　female　hips　seemed　big　and　earthy；　her　ankles　and
her　arms　were　too　thick。　She　wanted　some　fine　intensity；　instead
of　this　heavy　cleaving　of　moist　clay；　that　cleaves　because　it
has　no　life　of　its　own。

Winifred　still　loved　Ursula。　She　had　a　passion　for　the　fine
flame　of　the　girl；　she　served　her　endlessly；　would　have　done
anything　for　her。

〃e　with　me　to　London；〃　she　pleaded　to　the　girl。　〃I　will
make　it　nice　for　you；you　shall　do　lots　of　things　you　will
enjoy。〃

〃No；〃　said　Ursula；　stubbornly　and　dully。　〃No；　I　don't　want　to
go　to　London；　I　want　to　be　by　myself。〃

Winifred　knew　what　this　meant。　She　knew　that　Ursula　was
beginning　to　reject　her。　The