The Rainbow-虹(英文版)-第91部分

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consummation　was　terrible。　It　lasted　till　it　was　agony　to　his
soul；　till　he　succumbed；　till　he　gave　way　as　if　dead；　lay　with
his　face　buried；　partly　in　her　hair；　partly　in　the　sand；
motionless；　as　if　he　would　be　motionless　now　for　ever；　hidden
away　in　the　dark；　buried；　only　buried；　he　only　wanted　to　be
buried　in　the　goodly　darkness；　only　that；　and　no　more。

He　seemed　to　swoon。　It　was　a　long　time　before　he　came　to
himself。　He　was　aware　of　an　unusual　motion　of　her　breast。　He
looked　up。　Her　face　lay　like　an　image　in　the　moonlight；　the　eyes
wide　open；　rigid。　But　out　of　the　eyes；　slowly；　there　rolled　a
tear；　that　glittered　in　the　moonlight　as　it　ran　down　her
cheek。

He　felt　as　if　as　the　knife　were　being　pushed　into　his　already
dead　body。　With　head　strained　back；　he　watched；　drawn　tense；　for
some　minutes；　watched　the　unaltering；　rigid　face　like　metal　in
the　moonlight；　the　fixed；　unseeing　eye；　in　which　slowly　the
water　gathered；　shook　with　glittering　moonlight；　then
surcharged；　brimmed　over　and　ran　trickling；　a　tear　with　its
burden　of　moonlight；　into　the　darkness；　to　fall　in　the　sand。

He　drew　gradually　away　as　if　afraid；　drew　awayshe　did
not　move。　He　glanced　at　hershe　lay　the　same。　Could　he
break　away？　He　turned；　saw　the　open　foreshore；　clear　in　front　of
him；　and　he　plunged　away；　on　and　on；　ever　farther　from　the
horrible　figure　that　lay　stretched　in　the　moonlight　on　the　sands
with　the　tears　gathering　and　travelling　on　the　motionless；
eternal　face。

He　felt；　if　ever　he　must　see　her　again；　his　bones　must　be
broken；　his　body　crushed；　obliterated　for　ever。　And　as　yet；　he
had　the　love　of　his　own　living　body。　He　wandered　on　a　long；　long
way；　till　his　brain　drew　dark　and　he　was　unconscious　with
weariness。　Then　he　curled　in　the　deepest　darkness　he　could　find；
under　the　seagrass；　and　lay　there　without　consciousness。

She　broke　from　her　tense　cramp　of　agony　gradually；　though
each　movement　was　a　goad　of　heavy　pain。　Gradually；　she　lifted
her　dead　body　from　the　sands；　and　rose　at　last。　There　was　now　no
moon　for　her；　no　sea。　All　had　passed　away。　She　trailed　her　dead
body　to　the　house；　to　her　room；　where　she　lay　down　inert。

Morning　brought　her　a　new　access　of　superficial　life。　But　all
within　her　was　cold；　dead；　inert。　Skrebensky　appeared　at
breakfast。　He　was　white　and　obliterated。　They　did　not　look　at
each　other　nor　speak　to　each　other。　Apart　from　the　ordinary；
trivial　talk　of　civil　people；　they　were　separate；　they　did　not
speak　of　what　was　between　them　during　the　remaining　two　days　of
their　stay。　They　were　like　two　dead　people　who　dare　not
recognize；　dare　not　see　each　other。

Then　she　packed　her　bag　and　put　on　her　things。　There　were
several　guests　leaving　together；　for　the　same　train。　He　would
have　no　opportunity　to　speak　to　her。

He　tapped　at　her　bedroom　door　at　the　last　minute。　She　stood
with　her　umbrella　in　her　hand。　He　closed　the　door。　He　did　not
know　what　to　say。

〃Have　you　done　with　me？〃　he　asked　her　at　length；　lifting　his
head。

〃It　isn't　me；〃　she　said。　〃You　have　done　with　mewe　have
done　with　each　other。〃

He　looked　at　her；　at　the　closed　face；　which　he　thought　so
cruel。　And　he　knew　he　could　never　touch　her　again。　His　will　was
broken；　he　was　seared；　but　he　clung　to　the　life　of　his　body。

〃Well；　what　have　I　done？〃　he　asked；　in　a　rather　querulous
voice。

〃I　don't　know；〃　she　said；　in　the　same　dull；　feelingless
voice。　〃It　is　finished。　It　had　been　a　failure。〃

He　was　silent。　The　words　still　burned　his　bowels。

〃Is　it　my　fault？〃　he　said；　looking　up　at　length；　challenging
the　last　stroke。

〃You　couldn't〃　she　began。　But　she　broke
down。

He　turned　away；　afraid　to　hear　more。　She　began　to　gather　her
bag；　her　handkerchief；　her　umbrella。　She　must　be　gone　now。　He
was　waiting　for　her　to　be　gone。

At　length　the　carriage　came　and　she　drove　away　with　the　rest。
When　she　was　out　of　sight；　a　great　relief　came　over　him；　a
pleasant　banality。　In　an　instant；　everything　was　obliterated。　He
was　childishly　amiable　and　panionable　all　the　day　long。　He
was　astonished　that　life　could　be　so　nice。　It　was　better　than　it
had　been　before。　What　a　simple　thing　it　was　to　be　rid　of　her！
How　friendly　and　simple　everything　felt　to　him。　What　false　thing
had　she　been　forcing　on　him？

But　at　night　he　dared　not　be　alone。　His　roommate　had　gone；
and　the　hours　of　darkness　were　an　agony　to　him。　He　watched　the
window　in　suffering　and　terror。　When　would　this　horrible
darkness　be　lifted　off　him？　Setting　all　his　nerves；　he　endured
it。　He　went　to　sleep　with　the　dawn。

He　never　thought　of　her。　Only　his　terror　of　the　hours　of
night　grew　on　him；　obsessed　him　like　a　mania。　He　slept　fitfully；
with　constant　wakings　of　anguish。　The　fear　wore　away　the　core　of
him。

His　plan　was　to　sit　up　very　late：　drink　in　pany　until　one
or　halfpast　one　in　the　morning；　then　he　would　get　three　hours
of　sleep；　of　oblivion。　It　was　light　by　five　o'clock。　But　he　was
shocked　almost　to　madness　if　he　opened　his　eyes　on　the
darkness。

In　the　daytime　he　was　all　right；　always　occupied　with　the
thing　of　the　moment；　adhering　to　the　trivial　present；　which
seemed　to　him　ample　and　satisfying。　No　matter　how　little　and
futile　his　occupations　were；　he　gave　himself　to　them　entirely；
and　felt　normal　and　fulfilled。　He　was　always　active；　cheerful；
gay；　charming；　trivial。　Only　he　dreaded　the　darkness　and　silence
of　his　own　bedroom；　when　the　darkness　should　challenge　him　upon
his　own　soul。　That　he　could　not　bear；　as　he　could　not　bear　to
think　about　Ursula。　He　had　no　soul；　no　background。　He　never
thought　of　Ursula；　not　once；　he　gave　her　no　sign。　She　was　the
darkness；　the　challenge；　the　horror。　He　turned　to　immediate
things。　He　self　from　the
darkness；　the　challenge　of　his　own　soul。　He　would　marry　his
Colonel's　daughter。　Quickly；　without　hesitation；　pursued　by　his
obsession　for　activity；　he　wrote　to　this　girl；　telling　her　his
engagement　was　brokenit　had　been　a　temporary　infatuation
which　he　less　than　any　one　else　could　understand　now　it　was
overand　could　he　see　his　very　dear　friend　soon？　He　would
not　be　happy　till　he　had　an　answer。

He　received　a　rather　surprised　reply　from　the　girl；　but　she
would　be　glad　to　see　him。　She　was　living　with　her　aunt。　He　went
down　to　her　at　once；　and　proposed　to　her　the　first　evening。　He
was　accepted。　The　marriage　took　place　quietly　within　fourteen
days'　time。　Ursula　was　not　notified　of　the　event。　In　another
week；　Skrebensky　sailed　with　his　new　wife　to　India。



CHAPTER　XVI

THE　RAINBOW

Ursula　went　home　to　Beldover　faint；　dim；　closed　up。　She　could
scarcely　speak　or　notice。　It　was　as　if　her　energy　were　frozen。
Her　people　asked　her　what　was　the　matter。　She　told　them　she　had
broken　off　the　engagement　with　Skrebensky。　They　looked　blank　and
angry。　But　she　could　not　feel　any　more。

The　weeks　crawled　by　in　apathy。　He　would　have　sailed　for
India　now。　She　was　scarcely　interested。　She　was　inert；　without
strength　or　interest。

Suddenly　a　shock　ran　through　her；　so　violent　that　she　thought
she　was　struck　down。　Was　she　with　child？　She　had　been　so
stricken　under　the　pain　of　herself　and　of　him；　this　had　never
occurred　to　her。　Now　like　a　flame　it　took　hold　of　her　limbs　and
body。　Was　she　with　child？

In　the　first　flaming　hours　of　wonder；　she　did　not　know　what
she　felt。　She　was　as　if　tied　to　the　stake。　The　flames　were
licking　her　and　devouring　her。　But　the　flames　were　also　good。
They　seemed　to　wear　her　away　to　rest。　What　she　felt　in　her　heart
and　her　womb　she　did　not　know。　It　was　a　kind　of　swoon。

Then　gradually　the　heaviness　of　her　heart　pressed　and　pressed
into　consciousness。　What　was　she　doing？　Was　she　bearing　a　child？
Bearing　a　child？　To　what？

Her　flesh　thrilled；　but　her　soul　was　sick。　It　seemed；　this
child；　like　the　seal　set　on　her　own　nullity。　Yet　she　was　glad　in
her　flesh　that　she　was　with　child。　She　began　to　think；　that　she
would　write　to　Skrebensky；　that　she　would　go　out　to　him；　and
marry　him；　and　live　simply　as　a　good　wife　to　him。　What　did　the
self；　the　form　of　life　matter？　Only　the　living　from　day　to　day
mattered；　the　beloved　existence　in　the　body；　rich；　peaceful；
plete；　with　no　beyond；　no　further　trouble；　no　further
plication。　She　had　been　wrong；　she　had　been　arrogant　and
wicked；　wanting　that　other　thing；　that　fantastic　freedom；　that
illusory；　conceited　fulfilment　which　she　had　imagined　she　could
not　have　with　Skrebensky。　Who　was　she　to　be　wanting　some
fantastic　fulfilment　in　her　life？　Was　it　not　enough　that　she　had
her　man；　her　children；　her　place　of　shelter　under　the　sun？　Was
it　not　enough　for　her；　as　it　had　been　enough　for　her　mother？　She
would　marry　and　love　her　husband　and　fill　her　place　simply。　That
was　the　ideal。

Suddenly　she　saw　her　mother　in　a　just　and　true　light。　Her
mother　was　simple　and　radically　true。　She　had　taken　the　life
that　was　given。　She　had　not；　in　her　arrogant　conceit；　insisted
on　creating　life　to　fit　herself。　Her　mother　was　right；
profoundly　right；　and　she　herself　had　been　false；　trashy；
conceited。

A　great　mood　of　humility　came　over　her；　and　in　this　humility
a　bondaged　sort　of　peace。　She　gave　her　limbs　to　the　bondage；　she
loved　the　bondage；　she　called　it　peace。　In　this　state　she　sat
down　to　write　to　Skrebensky。

Since　you　left　me　I　have　suffered　a　great　deal；　and　so　have
e　to　myself。　I　cannot　tell　you　the　remorse　I　feel　for　my
wicked；　perverse　behaviour。　It　was　given　to　me　to　love　you；　and
to　know　your　love　for　me。　But　instead　of　thankfully；　on　my
knees；　taking　what　God　had　given　me；　I　must　have　the　moon　in　my
keeping；　I　must　insist　on　having　the　moon　for　my　own。　Because　I
could　not　have　it；　everything　else　must　go。

I　do　not　know　if　you　can　ever　five　me。　I　could　die　with
shame　to　think　of　my　behaviour　with　you　during　our　last　times；
and　I　don't　know　if　I　could　ever　bear　to　look　you　in　the　face
again。　Truly　the　best　thing　would　be　for　me　to　die；　and　cover　my
fantasies　for　ever。　But　I　find　I　am　with　child；　so　that　cannot
be。

It　is　your　child；　and　for　that　reason　I　must　revere　it　and
submit　my　body　entirely　to　its　welfare；　entertaining　no　thought
of　death；　which　once　more　is　largely　conceit。　Therefore；　because
you　once　loved　me；　and　because　this　child　is　your　child；　I　ask
you　to　have　me　back。　If　you　will　cable　me　one　word；　I　will　e
to　you　as　soon　as　I　can。　I　swear　to　you　to　be　a　dutiful　wife；
and　to　serve　you　in　all　things。　For　now　I　only　hate　myself　and
my　own　conceited　foolishness。　I　love　youI　love　the
thought　of　youyou　were　natural　and　decent　all　through；
whilst　I　was　so　false。　Once　I　am　with　you　again；　I　shall　ask　no
more　than　to　rest　in　your　shelter　all　my　life

This　letter　she　wrote；　sentence　by　sentence；　as　if　from　her
deepest；　sincerest　heart。　She　felt　that　now；　now；　she　was　at　the
depths　of　herself。　This　was　her　true　self；　forever。　With　this
document　she　would　appear　before　God　at　the　Judgment　Day。

For　what　had　a　woman　but　to　submit？　What　was　her　flesh　but
for　childbearing；　her　strength　for　her　children　and　her　husband；
the　giver　of　life？　At　last　she　was　a　woman。

She　posted　her　letter　to　his　club；　to　be　forwarded　to　him　in
Calcutta。　He　would　receive　it　soon　after　his　arrival　in
Indiawithin　three　weeks　of　his　arrival　there。　In　a
month's　time　she　would　receive　word　from　hi