3 eclipse月食-第74部分

快捷操作: 按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页 按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页 按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部! 如果本书没有阅读完，想下次继续接着阅读，可使用上方 "收藏到我的浏览器" 功能 和 "加入书签" 功能！

the　sun。　My　personal　sun。　You　balanced　out　the　clouds　nicely　for　me。”　
He　sighed。　“The　clouds　I　can　handle。　But　I　can’t　fight　with　an　eclipse。”　
I　touched　his　face；　laying　my　hand　against　his　cheek。　He　exhaled　at　my　touch　and　closed　his　eyes。　It　was　
very　quiet。　For　a　minute　I　could　hear　the　beating　of　his　heart；　slow　and　even。　
“Tell　me　the　worst　part　for　you；”　he　whispered。　
“I　think　that　might　be　a　bad　idea。”　
“Please。”　
“I　think　it　will　hurt。”　
“Please。”　
How　could　I　deny　him　anything　at　this　point？　
“The　worst　part　。　。　。”　I　hesitated；　and　then　let　words　spill　out　in　a　flood　of　truth。　“The　worst　part　is　that　I　
saw　the　whole　thing　—　our　whole　life。　And　I　want　it　bad；　Jake；　I　want　it　all。　I　want　to　stay　right　here　and　never　
move。　I　want　to　love　you　and　make　you　happy。　And　I　can’t；　and　it’s　killing　me。　It’s　like　Sam　and　Emily；　Jake　
—　I　never　had　a　choice。　I　always　knew　nothing　would　change。　Maybe　that’s　why　I　was　fighting　against　you　so　
hard。”　
He　seemed　to　be　concentrating　on　breathing　evenly。　
“I　knew　I　shouldn’t　have　told　you　that。”　
He　shook　his　head　slowly。　“No。　I’m　glad　you　did。　Thank　you。”　He　kissed　the　top　of　my　head；　and　then　he　
sighed。　“I’ll　be　good　now。”　
I　looked　up；　and　he　was　smiling。　
“So　you’re　going　to　get　married；　huh？”　
“We　don’t　have　to　talk　about　that。”　
“I’d　like　to　know　some　of　the　details。　I　don’t　know　when　I’ll　talk　to　you　again。”　
I　had　to　wait　for　a　minute　before　I　could　speak。　When　I　was　pretty　sure　that　my　voice　wouldn’t　break；　I　
answered　his　question。　
“It’s　not　really　my　idea　。　。　。　but；　yes。　It　means　a　lot　to　him。　I　figure；　why　not？”　
Jake　nodded。　“That’s　true。　It’s　not　such　a　big　thing　—　in　parison。”　
His　voice　was　very　calm；　very　practical。　I　stared　at　him；　curious　about　how　he　was　managing；　and　that　
ruined　it。　He　met　my　eyes　for　a　second；　and　then　twisted　his　head　away。　I　waited　to　speak　until　his　breathing　
was　under　control。　
“Yes。　In　parison；”　I　agreed。　
“How　long　do　you　have　left？”　
“That　depends　on　how　long　it　takes　Alice　to　pull　a　wedding　together。”　I　suppressed　a　groan；　imagining　
what　Alice　would　do。　
“Before　or　after？”　he　asked　quietly。　
I　knew　what　he　meant。　“After。”　
He　nodded。　This　was　a　relief　to　him。　I　wondered　how　many　sleepless　nights　the　thought　of　my　graduation　
had　given　him。　
“Are　you　scared？”　he　whispered。　
“Yes；”　I　whispered　back。　
“What　are　you　afraid　of？”　I　could　barely　hear　his　voice　now。　He　stared　down　at　my　hands。　
“Lots　of　things。”　I　worked　to　make　my　voice　lighter；　but　I　stayed　honest。　“I’ve　never　been　much　of　a　
masochist；　so　I’m　not　looking　forward　to　the　pain。　And　I　wish　there　was　some　way　to　keep　him　away　—　I　
don’t　want　him　to　suffer　with　me；　but　I　don’t　think　there’s　any　way　around　it。　There’s　dealing　with　Charlie；　

too；　and　Renée。　。　。　。　And　then　afterward；　I　hope　I’ll　be　able　to　control　myself　soon。　Maybe　I’ll　be　such　a　
menace　that　the　pack　will　have　to　take　me　out。”　
He　looked　up　with　a　disapproving　expression。　“I’d　hamstring　any　one　of　my　brothers　who　tried。”　
“Thanks。”　
He　smiled　halfheartedly。　Then　he　frowned。　“But　isn’t　it　more　dangerous　than　that？　In　all　of　the　stories；　they　
say　it’s　too　hard　。　。　。　they　lose　control　。　。　。　people　die。　。　。　。”　He　gulped。　
“No；　I’m　not　afraid　of　that。　Silly　Jacob　—　don’t　you　know　better　than　to　believe　vampire　stories？”　
He　obviously　didn’t　appreciate　my　attempt　at　humor。　
“Well；　anyway；　lots　to　worry　about。　But　worth　it；　in　the　end。”　
He　nodded　unwillingly；　and　I　knew　that　he　in　no　way　agreed　with　me。　
I　stretched　my　neck　up　to　whisper　in　his　ear；　laying　my　cheek　against　his　warm　skin。　“You　know　I　love　
you。”　
“I　know；”　he　breathed；　his　arm　tightening　automatically　around　my　waist。　“You　know　how　much　I　wish　it　
was　enough。”　
“Yes。”　
“I’ll　always　be　waiting　in　the　wings；　Bella；”　he　promised；　lightening　his　tone　and　loosening　his　arm。　I　pulled　
away　with　a　dull；　dragging　sense　of　loss；　feeling　the　tearing　separation　as　I　left　a　part　of　me　behind；　there　on　the　
bed　next　to　him。　“You’ll　always　have　that　spare　option　if　you　want　it。”　
I　made　an　effort　to　smile。　“Until　my　heart　stops　beating。”　
He　grinned　back。　“You　know；　I　think　maybe　I’d　still　take　you　—　maybe。　I　guess　that　depends　on　how　
much　you　stink。”　
“Should　I　e　back　to　see　you？　Or　would　you　rather　I　didn’t？”　
“I’ll　think　it　through　and　get　back　to　you；”　he　said。　“I　might　need　the　pany　to　keep　from　going　crazy。　
The　vampire　surgeon　extraordinaire　says　I　can’t　phase　until　he　gives　the　okay　—　it　might　mess　up　the　way　the　
bones　are　set。”　Jacob　made　a　face。　
“Be　good　and　do　what　Carlisle　tells　you　to　do。　You’ll　get　well　faster。”　
“Sure；　sure。”　
“I　wonder　when　it　will　happen；”　I　said。　“When　the　right　girl　is　going　to　catch　your　eye。”　
“Don’t　get　your　hopes　up；　Bella。”　Jacob’s　voice　was　abruptly　sour。　“Though　I’m　sure　it　would　be　a　relief　
for　you。”　
“Maybe；　maybe　not。　I　probably　won’t　think　she’s　good　enough　for　you。　I　wonder　how　jealous　I’ll　be。”　
“That　part　might　be　kind　of　fun；”　he　admitted。　
“Let　me　know　if　you　want　me　to　e　back；　and　I’ll　be　here；”　I　promised。　
With　a　sigh；　he　turned　his　cheek　toward　me。　
I　leaned　in　and　kissed　his　face　softly。　“Love　you；　Jacob。”　
He　laughed　lightly。　“Love　you　more。”　
He　watched　me　walk　out　of　his　room　with　an　unfathomable　expression　in　his　black　eyes。　

　　27。　NEEDS　


I　DIDN’T　GET　VERY　FAR　BEFORE　DRIVING　BECAME　IMPOSsible。　
When　I　couldn’t　see　anymore；　I　let　my　tires　find　the　rough　shoulder　and　rolled　slowly　to　a　stop。　I　slumped　
over　on　the　seat　and　allowed　the　weakness　I’d　fought　in　Jacob’s　room　crush　me。　It　was　worse　that　I’d　thought　
—　the　force　of　it　took　me　by　surprise。　Yes；　I　had　been　right　to　hide　this　from　Jacob。　No　one　should　ever　see　
this。　
But　I　wasn’t　alone　for　very　long　—　just　exactly　long　enough　for　Alice　to　see　me　here；　and　then　the　few　
minutes　it　took　him　to　arrive。　The　door　creaked　open；　and　he　pulled　me　into　his　arms。　
At　first　it　was　worse。　Because　there　was　that　smaller　part　of　me　—　smaller；　but　getting　louder　and　angrier　
every　minute；　screaming　at　the　rest　of　me　—　that　craved　a　different　set　of　arms。　So　then　there　was　fresh　guilt　
to　season　the　pain。　
He　didn’t　say　anything；　he　just　let　me　sob　until　I　began　to　blubber　out　Charlie’s　name。　
“Are　you　really　ready　to　go　home？”　he　asked　doubtfully。　
I　managed　to　convey；　after　several　attempts；　that　it　wasn’t　going　to　get　any　better　anytime　soon。　I　needed　
to　get　past　Charlie　before　it　got　late　enough　for　him　to　call　Billy。　
So　he　drove　me　home　—　for　once　not　even　getting　close　to　my　truck’s　internal　speed　limit　—　keeping　one　
arm　wrapped　tightly　around　me。　The　whole　way；　I　fought　for　control。　It　seemed　to　be　a　doomed　effort　at　first；　
but　I　didn’t　give　up。　Just　a　few　seconds；　I　told　myself。　Just　time　for　a　few　excuses；　or　a　few　lies；　and　then　I　
could　break　down　again。　I　had　to　be　able　to　do　that　much。　I　scrambled　around　in　my　head；　searching　
desperately　for　a　reserve　of　strength。　
There　was　just　enough　for　me　to　quiet　the　sobs　—　hold　them　back　but　not　end　them。　The　tears　didn’t　
slow。　I　couldn’t　seem　to　find　any　handle　to　even　begin　to　work　with　those。　
“Wait　for　me　upstairs；”　I　mumbled　when　we　were　in　front　of　the　house。　
He　hugged　me　closer　for　one　minute；　and　then　he　was　gone。　
Once　inside；　I　headed　straight　for　the　stairs。　
“Bella？”　Charlie　called　after　me　from　his　usual　place　on　the　sofa　as　I　walked　by。　
I　turned　to　look　at　him　without　speaking。　His　eyes　bugged　wide；　and　he　lurched　to　his　feet。　
“What　happened？　Is　Jacob　。　。　。　？”　he　demanded。　
I　shook　my　head　furiously；　trying　to　find　my　voice。　“He’s　fine；　he’s　fine；”　I　promised；　my　voice　low　and　
husky。　And　Jacob　was　fine；　physically；　which　is　all　Charlie　was　worried　about　at　the　moment。　
“But　what　happened？”　He　grabbed　my　shoulders；　his　eyes　still　anxious　and　wide。　“What　happened　to　
you？”　
I　must　look　worse　than　I’d　imagined。　
“Nothing；　Dad。　I　。　。　。　just　had　to　talk　to　Jacob　about　。　。　。　some　things　that　were　hard。　I’m　fine。”　
The　anxiety　calmed；　and　was　replaced　by　disapproval。　
“Was　this　really　the　best　time？”　he　asked。　
“Probably　not；　Dad；　but　I　didn’t　have　any　alternatives　—　it　just　got　to　the　point　where　I　had　to　choose。　。　。　
。　Sometimes；　there　isn’t　any　way　to　promise。”　
He　shook　his　head　slowly。　“How　did　he　handle　it？”　
I　didn’t　answer。　
He　looked　at　my　face　for　a　minute；　and　then　nodded。　That　must　have　been　answer　enough。　
“I　hope　you　didn’t　mess　up　his　recovery。”　
“He’s　a　quick　healer；”　I　mumbled。　
Charlie　sighed。　
I　could　feel　the　control　slipping。　
“I’ll　be　in　my　room；”　I　told　him；　shrugging　out　from　underneath　his　hands。　
“’Kay；”　Charlie　agreed。　He　could　probably　see　the　waterworks　starting　to　escalate。　Nothing　scared　
Charlie　worse　than　tears。　

　I　made　my　way　to　my　room；　blind　and　stumbling。　
　Once　inside；　I　fought　with　the　clasp　on　my　bracelet；　trying　to　undo　it　with　shaking　fingers。　
　“No；　Bella；”　Edward　whispered；　capturing　my　hands。　“It’s　part　of　who　you　are。”　
　He　pulled　me　into　the　cradle　of　his　arms　as　the　sobs　broke　free　again。　
　This　longest　of　days　seemed　to　stretch　on　and　on　and　on。　I　wondered　if　it　would　ever　end。　
　But；　though　the　night　dragged　relentlessly；　it　was　not　the　worst　night　of　my　life。　I　took　fort　from　that。　
And　I　was　not　alone。　There　was　a　great　deal　of　fort　in　that；　too。　
　Charlie’s　fear　of　emotional　outbursts　kept　him　from　checking　on　me；　though　I　was　not　quiet　—　he　
probably　got　no　more　sleep　than　I　did。　
　My　hindsight　seemed　unbearably　clear　tonight。　I　could　see　every　mistake　I’d　made；　every　bit　of　harm　I’d　
done；　the　small　things　and　the　big　things。　Each　pain　I’d　caused　Jacob；　each　wound　I’d　given　Edward；　stacked　
up　into　neat　piles　that　I　could　not　ignore　or　deny。　
　And　I　realized　that　I’d　been　wrong　all　along　about　the　mags。　It　had　not　been　Edward　and　Jacob　that　
I’d　been　trying　to　force　together；　it　was　the　two　parts　of　myself；　Edward’s　Bella　and　Jacob’s　Bella。　But　they　
could　not　exist　together；　and　I　never　should　have　tried。　
　I’d　done　so　much　damage。　
　At　some　point　in　the　night；　I　remembered　the　promise　I’d　made　to　myself　early　this　morning　—　that　I　
would　never　make　Edward　see　me　shed　another　tear　for　Jacob　Black。　The　thought　brought　on　a　round　of　
hysteria　which　frightened　Edward　more　than　the　weeping。　But　it　passed；　too；　when　it　had　run　its　course。　
　Edward　said　little；　he　just　held　me　on　the　bed　and　let　me　ruin　his　shirt；　staining　it　with　salt　water。　
　It　took　longer　than　I　thought　it　would　for　that　smaller；　broken　part　of　me　to　cry　herself　out。　It　happened；　
though；　and　I　was　eventually　exhausted　enough　to　sleep。　Unconsciousness　did　not　bring　full　relief　from　the　
pain；　just　a　numbing；　dulling　ease；　like　medicine。　Made　it　more　bearable。　But　it　was　still　there；　I　was　aware　of　
it；　even　asleep；　and　that　helped　me　to　make　the　adjustments　I　needed　to　make。　
　The　morning　brought　with　it；　if　not　a　brighter　outlook；　as　least　a　measure　of　control；　some　acceptance。　
Instinctively；　I　knew　that　the　new　tear　in　my　heart　would　always　ache。　That　was　just　going　to　be　a　part　of　me